Brain Wreck

Our topic for today is the economic genius of Edgar Allan Poe. Let’s assume for a second that you are an addlepated lube job who has never even considered taking financial advice from old Eddie Poe. Rookie mistake. (Note: This Edgar Allan Poe is not to be confused with famous NASCAR driver, Skoal poster boy, and dog food spokesperson Eddie Al Poe.) Do not take financial advice from Eddie Al. All his money is invested in alimony and child support.

Okay, let’s move on to the good stuff. I imagine that you, along with the majority of folks on this planet, have been paying a lot of attention to the economy as of late. Due to the pandemic, the war, the jaw-dropping greed of the oil companies, who are apparently embracing the end of the petroleum age by gouging us for every nickel they can get, things are in a bit of a mess. It’s probably just a matter of time until we have a worldwide financial meltdown caused by a 4-year-old named Knutsie playing with his mom’s laptop in Codbreath, Norway. Fortunately for all concerned, I am just the guy to deal with all this.

I recently got a call from someone in the white house begging me to do something. Now there are many white houses in my neighborhood, so I’m not exactly sure who called. Anyway, it sounded like a good idea at the time. I was, as usual, racing on the Grand Prix circuit when the call came. So, I took my cars off the track, gave them a good wipe down, and placed them back in their boxes. I then sprang into slo-mo economic action.

I do confess that I have been preparing for this economic chaos for some years by consulting with the people who know the most about such matters. I am, of course, talking about famous celebrities, both living and dead, who, due to their celebrity status, know everything there is to know about these matters. So, I know you’re probably wondering how I gathered information and advice from dead celebrities. Actually, it was a whole lot easier than you might think. I just contacted our local medium, Madame Tammy Dawn, for a quick seance.

It is recommended that you schedule appointments with Tammy Dawn a bit in advance because she spends most of her time summoning the spirits of Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker from a cabinet in her dining room. Interestingly enough, Tammy Dawn lives in a white house in my neighborhood, Hmm. Also, in addition to her work as a medium, she is best known for sitting on her roof and throwing empty bottles at neighbors and random pedestrians. She’s not the most popular person around here, but she does give a good scary seance.

The very first person we contacted was none other than Edgar Allan Poe himself. Mr. Poe almost immediately struck a soon-to-be familiar note about economic collapse followed by raging famine across the planet. With that in mind, he offered up this recipe to combat the odds of your future starvation. He also said that he has heard that food bloggers are cleaning up in the financial department. Here’s his recipe.

ROASTED RAVEN

The Heavens cried and all around the wicked storm did rage
Whilst by the hearth the evil Raven stalked ’round in his cage
Torrential rains lashed at the windows and beat upon the doors
Whilst the Raven squawked some nonsense about Lenore and never more
With every tick of the great hall clock he squeaked and squawked and yakked
Until finally, I confess to you, my mind completely cracked!
I approached the cage with guile and stealth and slowly opened the door
Then I grabbed the bird, strangled his ass, and buried him ‘neath the floor
As the new day broke I held my head, I cried “Great Caesar’s Ghost!”
Oh woe is me, what have I done? I could’ve had a roast!
For I’d lain awake through all the night with my insatiable craving
So I grabbed a shovel, went to the cellar, and dug up the evil Raven!
In a roasting pan I laid him down with garlic and potato
At three-hundred-fifty for an hour-and-a-half with a sauce of creamed tomato
And then I stuffed his tell-tale heart with some pickles and some beets
And in my depraved condition I even cooked his little feets.