Brain Wreck

I have been writing this nonsense for a very short time, and I have already received my first complaint. I wonder what took so long. It seems like every other person on the planet is looking for anything they can interpret as being offensive to themselves or their particular cause.

Those few of you who have been reading this stuff might remember my post about growing cotton in my back yard and completing all the processing steps to turn it into my T-shirt scam. My first complaint, a milestone I will always cherish and commemorate with a verbatim tattoo in large Olde English letters on my posterior, comes from a person who claims to be a representative from PETA. That’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Although I doubt the veracity of this claim, you never know what’s legitimate anymore. However, I can assure you that everything appearing on this site is always the absolute truth. Trust me on this.

The complaint I have received from the alleged PETA representative is about the mistreatment of the boll weevils in my cotton crop. First of all, boll weevils are not animals. They are the larva of long-billed beetles. Nevertheless, I took this complaint seriously. In my defense, I will tell you that I did not spray my crop with agricultural chemicals. I only sprayed with sparkling mineral water. This kept my crop clean and shiny and happy and hygienically perfect in every way.

My next step was to build live traps for the little weevils out of the very finest mesh I could purchase. I then lined the traps with crushed velvet to avoid injury, and I baited the traps with cotton candy. After securing all the weevils, I carefully packed them into my climate-controlled vehicle. I then drove them to an idyllic farm in upstate New York where they were released back into the wild. I just wanted them to be able to run and play for all their remaining days. In addition, I was thinking that they might even get to go to the circus, play some ball, eat ice cream, shoot pool, drink beer, and occasionally gorge themselves on more cotton candy. I truly had their best interests at heart. I can assure every person who is reading this that no boll weevils were harmed in the manufacturing process for my two T-shirts or the filming of the documentary for PBS.

On a related note, has anybody ever heard of a group called PUTE? According to complaint number two, it stands for People for the Unethical Treatment of Everything. They are griping at me for my failure to kill every perceived pest in my neighborhood. I sincerely hope that they are not referring to any of the very nice people around here. I guess this complaint calls for another trip to the tattoo parlor.

My complaint department is now officially closed.