Brain Wreck

The International Hall of Fame for people named Hal has recently become my very first paid advertiser. My payment consists of being the only non-Hal to ever be inducted into the Hal Hall of Fame. This is quite an honor, and it is greatly appreciated. Cash, of course, would have been greatly appreciated, but beggars like me can’t afford to be too picky at this stage of the game. So, a sincere thank you is in order for the HHOF, and one of these days I’ll get around to it.

If you are interested in touring the Hal Hall of Fame, it is open on non-blizzard days from 2:30 to 5:00 p.m. Atlantic time. The present members of the HHOF will welcome all tourists with open arms, despite a few convictions for inappropriate past behaviors, and a friendly and warm place to swipe their credit cards. Admission is only $42.50 Canadian with a 2% discount for seniors and a $30.00 surcharge for children under the age of 21. The many exciting exhibits include origin of the name, proper spelling, some of the dubious achievements of various Hals, arrest records, and a tutorial on how best to incorporate the name Hal into creative streams of cursing. Induction ceremonies, which are always must-see occasions, are usually conducted just whenever the hell the guys who run the place feel like doing it. The ceremonies usually happen sometime around Spring thaw, so be sure to mark your calendars. The current members of the HHOF are sure to be some people you might even recognize.

I have included here for your viewing pleasure and future vacation plans the official brochure of the Hal Hall of Fame. At this point you might want to go for refreshments, because once you start reading this you can’t stop, even though you might be begging your loved ones to please help you. So, sit back, relax, and take a journey to Hal Land, which is in the planning stages as soon as funding is available. To donate, please check the information in the brochure or online. Without further ado, here is the famous brochure.

The Hal Hall of Fame is a world-class, world-famous museum located in the Frozen Pines Strip Mall in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Visitors will be thrilled and amazed at all the interactive exhibits offered within. The HH OF also features indoor plumbing, both male and female, as well as free popcorn and water fountains.

Due to the simple fact that there are so many worthy Hals in the world, our requirements for enshrinement are extremely difficult and challenging. As one of our most illustrious members, a certain Mr. Hal Holbrook, once commented, “The entry requirements are a gigantic crock of B.S.,” and we couldn’t agree more. In order to maintain our high standards for inclusion, we have incorporated rigid procedures that must be followed. First, a nominee must be able to spell the name HAL completely from memory. Potential inductees may practice by learning to spell U.N., A.A., N.A., or D.O.A. In order to ensure fair competition, all other practice words are banned. Next, all nominees must compete in the swimsuit competition. Snorkels, swim fins, goggles, and SCUBA tanks are some of the allowable accessories for this part of the requirements. However, contestants must remember that swimsuits and their accessories must also be worn during the talent competition. If a potential nominee’s talent is, for instance, tap dancing, then SCUBA gear might not be conducive to a winning performance. One of our previous nominees was a fire juggler who, unfortunately, was wearing his SCUBA tank, and somehow during the performance the oxygen valve got accidentally released and the nominee who was juggling fire had to have his talent relisted as Human Torch. After this tragedy, for which we would like to emphasize that we were not found to be liable, Speedos became a popular choice for most of the participants. This choice has seemed to be more prevalent among the male nominees, but female Speedo wearers have proven to be enormously popular through the years.

Our curator, the esteemed former curator of the priceless Indictment Collection of Spiro Agnew and the Top Value trading stamp collection of Liberace, comes to us from his last position as curator of the Autographed Beer Mug collection of The Corn and Horn Dog Bar and Grill in downtown Saskatoon. We would like to take this opportunity to welcome our new curator to the Hal Hall of Fame. Please give it up, even if you are reading this brochure in your bathroom while indisposed, for our new curator, Professor Hal Bert Einstein. Professor Einstein has just recently presided at the induction of this year’s new members of the Hal Hall of Fame. A complete transcript of the proceedings is hereby presented for your complete reading enjoyment.

“Okay, our first and only nominee this year is, envelope please. Could we have a drum roll here? Thank you. The nominee is Hal Bert Pujols. Next envelope please. And the winner is——HAL, the weirdo computer from 2001: A Space Oddity!

Wait a minute! Wait just one goldang minute! Somebody stole this election from Hal Bert Pujols! Somebody must have tampered with the voting machines, voted illegally, stuffed the ballot box, let a lot of dead people vote, or something! Damn that Hugo Chavez and all those Chinese computers, too! This is going to the Supreme Court! Everybody needs to start sending us lots of money to fight to make our museum great again! Where are the free lawyers?

Hal Hall of Fame Update

After fourteen months of lawsuits, numerous recounts, and threats of physical violence by a large and unruly mob, The Hal Hall of Fame is pleased to announce that HAL, the weirdo computer, has been unplugged, and That Hal Bert Pujols will be enshrined next Thursday for his uncanny knack of getting people to drive hundreds of miles and pay through the nose for hotels, drinks, snacks, and, most of all, grossly overpriced tickets, to watch him attempt to hit a ball thrown at 100 plus miles per hour with a stick while 45,542 people scream at him from the top of their lungs and take pictures and fervently hope that somehow he can hit the ball far enough to qualify for what is known as a “Home Run.” The people also hope that they will be the one to catch this “Home Run” ball. The odds of that, by the way, are approximately 45,542 to 1. Welcome Hal Bert Pujols. Your plaque will be in a position of honor between the popcorn machine and the janitor’s closet.

If you have a Hal you would like to see immortalized in our museum, please submit the entry form, available online, and your $975.00 dollar consideration fee, to HHOF, #13 Frozen Pines Strip Mall, Halifax, Nova Scotia

The HHOF currently features the following famous Hals in our museum.
Hal N. Wolf
Hal E. Berry
Hal I. Tosis
Hal Unser
Hal Jarreau
Hal Kaline
Weird Hal
Hal Thehellareyou
Hal N. Alda
Hal Vin Chipmunk
Hal D. Doody
Hal I. But
Hal Gore
Hal Bino
Hal Falfa
Hal Lo
Hal Lelujah
Rev. Hal Green
Hal Leycat
Hal Pacino
Hal E. Magraw
Hal Nowbrowncow
Hal Bert Einstein
HAL Evilcomputer
Hal I. Fax
Hal Bert Pujols
Hal Ogen Lightbulb
Hal O’Ween
Hal Iburton
Hal Icesrestaurant
Hal Xander Hamilton
Hal Ward Hughes
Hal Xander Graham Bell
Hal I. Mony
Hal A. Penos
Hal S.B. Toklas
Hal S.N. Wonderland
Hal Catraz
Hal Cahol
Hal Gebra
Hal Ligator
Hal Capp
Hal Capone
Hal Paca
Hal Pine
Hal Truist
Hal Lucinogenic
Hal Uminum
Hal Literation
Hal Hrabosky
Hal Linden
Hal Roach
Hal S. Cooper

You can leave your suggestions and nominations in the comments section below. Thank you from the HHOF in beautiful downtown Halifax.