Brain Wreck

Our guest blogger today is former Professional Rugby Player and well-known sports critic, Mr. Olaf Nootbaar. Olaf, who is apparently as bored with watching endless hours of professional golf on TV as the rest of us, has requested the use of this space to present his revolutionary ideas for improving both the game and alleviating the boredom associated with watching grossly overpaid people stroll around a manicured cow pasture in pursuit of a little ball. Without further ado, here’s Olaf.

The first thing I want to say, because Americans are so ignorant about Rugby and fail to see the beauty of a missing tooth or a dislocated elbow or a lifeless body at the bottom of a scrum, is that Rugby is the King of all Sports! I myself, as captain of the Oslo Ostrich Puffs, am a 9-time European Grand Champion! I played in the last European Championship with 2 broken ribs, a broken shoulder, an enlarged spleen, a lacerated liver, a nagging hangnail, a runny nose, and a splinter in my little toe. I was, at the time, the healthiest player on the Ostrich Puffs team, and we prevailed in a hard-fought contest with the Liverpool Lavender Flamingos. Now, how does that even begin to compare with golf? Quite the head-scratcher, eh. Well, the truth of the matter is that Rugby is a manly, manly, macho, manly game! Golf, on the other hand, as far as I can tell by watching it on the telly, is for old women and little sissy boys.

Listen to me, watching golf on the TV reminds me, first of all, of watching my long-dead Rottweiler, Larry. Golf has about the same amount of action. Actually, it reminds me more of watching oatmeal, except oatmeal can be a little exciting when it boils over in the microwave. You know, if you put some sprinkles and Lucky Charms cereal in oatmeal, it would look just like an aerial shot of those spoiled little golf boys in their little pink golf shirts and their Purina checkerboard pants. Why don’t they just get it over with and put the pink tutus on already? What I really do not understand is why they feel the need to wear gloves? Holy Crapola, as we say in Norway! These weenie boys must have hands as soft as a newborn baby’s behind. Geez! It’s like none of them have ever done a day’s work in their pampered little lives! I bet that they even have people who cut up their little soft baby food for them. None of these guys would last 10 seconds in an average Rugby scrum. Somebody would probably bite their fingers off just for an appetizer.

What we need to do, what we must do, and what I think I have done, is to figure out some way or ways to make golf at least a little bit interesting. Here’s some food for thought. Your beloved American baseball players, like, for instance, Hal Hall of Fame member Hal Bert Pujols, when they come up to bat, are standing 60 feet and 6 inches away from an overgrown, probably steroid fueled, man who is throwing a small ball at them with speeds approaching 100 miles per hour and making the ball curve and cut and sink like crazy. The batter is trying to hit this thing out of the air while 40 or 50 thousand people are screaming at him like scalded banshees. Compare that to these little weenie golfers who demand absolute silence while they try to knock a little stationary, and I mean absolutely motionless, ball into an oversized cup that is sometimes about 6 inches away from them. Then, provided they don’t miss the hole, people start yelling and crying and oohing and aahing like the little weenie golfer in the Pepto-Bismol pink shirt just found a cure for cancer or promised to pay off everybody’s mortgage with the ridiculous amount of money just earned for hitting a little motionless ball with a stick and knocking it into a large cup that’s closer than the length of one of his little girly black and white saddle shoes with the little spikes on it. SPIKES? For what? Ain’t no running! Ain’t no jumping! Ain’t no sliding or tackling! Ain’t no eye gouging, head knocking, arm twisting, or leg busting! Ain’t nothing athletic about it whatsoever!

You know, I really don’t give a Norwegian rat’s behind about what any of you might think of my opinion about golf. Well, except for those who agree with me, of course. The folks who are in agreement with me will, in all likelihood, enthusiastically embrace my prophetic vision of the future of golf. The rest of you can either go suck a lemon or meet me on a Rugby pitch, and then we’ll discuss the issue mano-a-mano or mano-a-womano, or for those of you who are still undecided, mano-a-whatevero.

Okay, finally we get down to the meat and potatoes of this issue. These are my rules for the brand-new game of Full Contact Rugby Golf. I am also now taking applications for commissioner, members of the rules committee, and medical personnel. Anyway, if you don’t like my rules, hey, go drown your sorrows at your Country Club Bar. Cryin’ in your beer might be your only outlet. It’s a new world out here. Adjust or croak. Burn your pink shirts and your saddle shoes and strap on a pair, ’cause here we go.
(Author’s tip: Here’s where you might actually make use of those little spikes and the gloves. The spikes are good for stomping on the feet of your opponents, and the gloves, if you get them good and dirty, might keep your fingers from being somebody’s lunch.)

FULL CONTACT RUGBY GOLF-RULES and REGULATIONS

EQUIPMENT: Big Bertha driver, 5,6,7,8, and 9-irons, 3-wood, 5-wood, pitching wedge, lob wedge, gap wedge, sand wedge (Reuben, Corned Beef, or BLT), 4-hybrid, putter, mashie, nibblet, and quiche are allowed. Fire-proof golf bags (no lead lining), sissified golf spikes and gloves, beer mugs, whiskey flasks, opium pipes, and stupid looking hats are also allowed. Pink shirts, checked pants, knickerbockers, and thongs are not allowed.

CLOTHING: Acceptable uniforms are loud Hawaiian shirts, T-shirts with the logos of bars, brothels, or other questionable business enterprises, wife-beater or husband-beater undershirts, hard hats, crash helmets, knee pads, blessed underwear, elbow pads, sensible shoes, and mirrored sunglasses. Contestants may also choose to play topless if they have an acceptably large, varied, and disturbing display of tattoos.

WEAPONRY: Guns, knives, grenades, and flame throwers are not allowed. Mace, pepper spray, bear spray, and flammable hair spray are acceptable. Ninja throwing stars, aluminum baseball bats, brass knuckles, wooden clubs and blackjacks are also allowed and encouraged.

FULL CONTACT RUGBY GOLF COURSE RULES:

1) There must be 4 players in each group. If in doubt, a referee will assist with the actual head count.
2) All players will draw for position and line up near the tee box. Upon hearing the referee’s whistle, all players will attempt to tee off. At this point, golfers may attempt to block the tee shot of their opponents using various body parts or golf bags.
3) All clubs must be in an approved bag that is carried on the shoulder or back of each contestant. Liquor, hatchets, and reading materials are optional for the bag.
4) After teeing off, all golfers will begin to race toward their balls. Anything that can be used to impede the progress of another competitor may be utilized at this point. However, installing trip wires before the match is illegal. Also, golfers may not plant assistants in the gallery to tackle, trip, or otherwise assault their opponents. All physical assaults must occur on the course and be perpetrated by participants in the match.
5)The exceptions to the physical assault rule are that participants may not use a driver to club an opponent in the head or neck region or swing a full bag of clubs at an opponent’s head, neck, or groin areas.
6) The use of the driver will result in a one-stroke penalty for the aggressor. The guilty party will proceed to the nearest rough and lie face down for two minutes while his opponents continue to race toward and strike their balls. It is also optional for opponents to enter the penalty area and kick the penalized golfer repeatedly in the area of their choosing during the penalty phase.
7) The use of a full bag of clubs to strike an opponent shall result in a two-stroke penalty and a five-minute major penalty to be served while lying face down in the nearest rough. No exceptions to the rough will be made for poison ivy, poison oak, or poisonous critters. Kicking is optional.
8) At any point in the competition, biting, scratching, slapping an opponent with sissified golf gloves, punching, and stomping on toes with goofy golf spikes are all legal actions, as well as full body blocks, hip checks, chop blocks, and standing in front of an opponent waving your hands and screaming while they hit their next shot directly into your flabby belly.
9) Each contestant shall receive a reduction of two strokes from their score for being the first to get their little ball into the little hole. Upon a signal from the referee, the successful contestant shall attempt to remove their ball from the hole and tee off again. At this point, stomping the hand while it is reaching for the hole is an acceptable action.
10) In case of serious injury, all participants must tend to their own wounds or be disqualified from the competition. In case of disqualification, wounded parties must make their way back to the clubhouse under their own power without benefit of a golf cart or other conveyance. The gallery, at this point, is always encouraged by the referees to cruelly mock injured participants as they march or crawl through the gallery gauntlet on their way to the clubhouse nurse or the ambulance. (Author’s note: Real Rugby men don’t need any stinkin’ nurses or ambulances. We just pop our bones or vital organs back into place and keep playing!)
11) After nine holes, a 15-minute half-time is declared so that golfers may rest, stitch themselves up, try to set bones, plan strategy, go relieve themselves in the woods, and finish off their beer supply.
12) No golfer may stray from the course at this time, except for the purpose of bodily relief. Any golfer who attempts to retrieve an unauthorized weapon at the ninth hole will be penalized with a 100,000-volt taser shot to be administered by the closest referee. This penalty also will result in disqualification, and the disqualified golfer must attempt to return to the clubhouse nurse or ambulance through the gallery. Mockery is again encouraged.
13) During half-time, a fully stocked beer wagon will resupply all participants. Also, a fully licensed medical practitioner will, at this time, check for dead contestants.
14) At hole number ten, all remaining golfers will line up according to the original draw, and, upon hearing the referee’s whistle, they will either tee off or attempt to maim other contestants. The choice is optional. All previous rules apply to this hole.
15) The rest of the round will consist mainly of audience participation. This means that the gallery may enter the course at any time to show support for their favorites or attempt to silence any golfer who might know something about their previous misdeeds or to whom they may owe money. This is the round that separates the true full contact rugby golfers from the wimpy pink sock pretenders.
16) The winner of the match shall be determined either by lowest score or match survivor. In case of a numerical tie or the improbability of two or more survivors, the winner shall be determined by participants dueling with the club or clubs of their choice on the eighteenth green. The penalty phase for striking about the head, neck, or groin with clubs shall be suspended for match deciding duels. Last one standing is the winner of a free beer at the clubhouse bar and a full body scan at the local hospital.
Hey, Rugby players don’t make millions of dollars for playing a weenie game. Suck it up. We play for beer and blood donations. You hear that ESPN? Here’s your chance to lock up the exclusive long-term rights to Full Contact Rugby Golf. Call me.