Brain Wreck

I know you are all thrilled that it’s almost time for the 6,974 annual college bowl games that pop up around this time every year. In keeping with that, I am pleased to announce that my very favorite college football team has been selected to play in the West Texas Plumbers’ Local #148 Toilet Bowl.

They were also finalists for the Little Debbie Diabetic Bowl, The Pizza Hut Prosthetic Foot Bowl, The Beverly Hills Snot-Encrusted Debutantes Bowl, The Chick-fil-A Infectious Diseases Bowl, The S&M Miracle Whip Bowl, The Cedars of Sinai Hospital Bowel Bowl, The Four Seasons Friday Night Men’s League of Altoona Bowl, The Progresso Slaughterhouse Five Soup Bowl, The Roger Stone Bowl to be played at Menard Federal Correctional Center on January 6, and The General Mills Goonball Bowl from Laguna Beach, California.

I have been online now for several hours trying to get Toilet Bowl tickets. Does anybody out there have any extra ones? I will pay in cash or trade for Brainwreck and Flatulent Buckaroos World Tour T-shirts. Looking forward to hearing from some generous soul. Thank you.

What Not to Do When Viewing Bowl Games at Other People’s Houses

1. Never break wind, scratch or pick body parts, or adjust underwear while standing in front of a Ring doorbell.
2. If you bring snacks, make sure that they are not the ones you had left over from last year
3. Don’t bring one of the vuvuzela things, or whatever they’re called. If you must bring one, apparently the best ones are Pudgy Pedro’s vuvuzelas. They are rated most obnoxious.
4. If you are a married person and everybody knows it, the polite thing to do is to leave your affair person in the car.
5. If you have small children, make sure that they are firmly secured before kickoff. There are various drugs to assist with this step.
6. Leave all weapons in your car, unless you came by taxi or Uber. If you drove, your affair person can keep an eye on your weaponry while you watch the game and get hammered.
7. If you find yourself rooting for the wrong team, you should expect to be severely reprimanded or beaten senseless. Preparations should be made in advance for an event of this nature.
8. If you bring drugs and alcohol, make sure that you have just enough to share a little bit, but not too much. Save most of it for yourself. Hey, you bought it. It’s yours!
9. Do not wear the wrong jersey, t-shirt, or jacket. Pay attention to step#7.
10. Try not to get so wasted that you don’t remember who won the game or how you got home. There will be a test.
11. Enjoy! Football brings us all the unadulterated pleasure of watching very large, very crazy people kick the holy living crap out of each other for fun and profit. That’s America at its finest! Happy New Year!