Brain Wreck

I usually don’t do interviews with controversial people, but I couldn’t resist the chance to witness what happens when massive overdoses of testosterone get swirled around in a vacuum. My investigative journalist curiosity was aroused.

In the interest of complete transparency, a term which I have grown to loathe, I must tell you that I got this interview because Ted Nugent is my twin brother. My name is Ned Nugent. Although Ted and I do look alike (some would say that I am much more handsome) we are a little different in our outlook on life in general. Part of this, I think, is because when our mother was pregnant with us, our father (or at least the guy we thought for a long time was our father) was rushing her to the hospital, he only made it to the parking lot. That’s where his old car died, and we, the twins, decided to start heading for daylight. Fortunately for us, there was a doctor who was changing the oil in his car on the hospital parking lot. Hey, this was a long time ago. Things were different back then. It was before doctors became multi-millionaires the week after graduating from medical school. Anyway, the doctor came over and Ted, in shades of things to come in his later life, came shooting right out, and the doctor had motor oil on his hands, and he dropped Ted on his head right on the pavement. Then he tried to pick Ted up, and, of course, he dropped him on his head again. Even then Ted was a slippery little bastard, if I may editorialize for a moment. In his defense, the doctor said that not only were his hands oily, but his vision was clouded because of the smoke from our mom’s cigarette blowing in his face.

We all sat down for this interview at a Burger King in Cancún, Mexico, which is also Cruz’s new campaign headquarters. Coincidentally, my brother Ted is big in Mexico. As a matter of fact, in a recent poll conducted at the famous Boys’ Town brothel in Matamoros, where both Teds are lifetime members, “Cat Scratch Fever” was favored by a 2 to 1 margin to become the new national anthem of Mexico. Anyway, we covered a wide variety of subjects, some of which I can actually write about. The heavily redacted transcript is presented here for your viewing pleasure or disgust. That’s up to you.

Ned: Teddy, you’re both a famous rock musician and a famous hunter. Why don’t you tell the folks what you wanted to be when you were growing up.
Ted Nugent: Oh shit, Neddy, you know what I wanted to be man, no doubt…never a question in my mind. I wanted to be a big-time political assassin! Oh Hell yes! Coolest thing ever. Man, I must have watched that Zapruder film like at least a million times. So freakin’ cool! Lee Harvey Oswald..what a cool dude. Stone cold, brother, stone cold freakin’ cool. I started a fan club for him in junior high school. Great marksman. Great dude. Great American! Man, that truly was the golden age. Then you had Arthur Bremmer, James Earl Ray, Squeaky Fromme, John Hinckley, Sirhan Sirhan and all those guys. Oh man, that got me hot brother, just watchin’ ’em waste all those liberal shitheads.
Ned: Wait a minute, Ted. Didn’t Hinckley shoot Reagan? And didn’t Squeaky Fromme try to shoot Gerald Ford? And didn’t Arthur Bremmer shoot George Wallace? George Wallace was certainly anything but a liberal, wouldn’t you say?
Ted: What are you sayin’, bro? You tellin’ me I don’t know a panty-waisted liberal asshole when I see one? Is that what you’re tellin’ me? Huh? Is it? By the way, who the Hell did you vote for last time, huh? Next thing I know you’ll be wearin’ dresses and callin’ yourself Michelle.
Ted Cruz: Yeah Ned, where were you when Hunter Biden took ten billion dollars from Lichtenstein and sold ’em the entire state of Texas including all the oil and mineral rights? You better thank God that I was in the Senate to stop that mess. I bet you even supported the liberals’ idea to dig up Abe Lincoln and put him on trial for being a conservative Republican. I stopped that, too. And where did those seven million extra votes come from? Answer me that, smart guy.

Ned: Wait a minute. I think we’re a little off track here. Ted Nugent, why don’t you tell our readers your plan for gun safety and gun control in this country, okay?
Ted Nugent: Sure Neddy. Here’s the deal. See, when a kid is born, male or female, ain’t no such thing as this transgender bullshit, then that little male or female will be issued a small derringer at birth with about 25-30 rounds of ammo. No more of them stuffed toys and crap. That’s exactly why we got all these sissies ruining our great country even as we speak. Anyway, those kids that survive to preschool will be issued a .22-caliber handgun and, oh, about 50 more rounds. See, you’re already culling out the weak ones here. Survivors that make it to sixth grade will be issued a .32- caliber and 100 rounds for junior high. Those that make it to high school will be issued a .38 snub nose and 500 rounds. For high school graduation, survivors will be issued a 9mm, an automatic shotgun and a thousand rounds. Those finishing trade school or probation will be issued an AR-15 and an unlimited lifetime supply of ammo. This plan will stop school shootings by outside intruders, restore discipline to the classroom, make the Commies think twice about invading the U.S.A., and worst-case scenario, it will be a great help to population control. Too many damn people here already.
Ned: What about college students and college graduates?
Ted: Screw ’em!

Ned: Ted, let’s talk about your hunting skills for awhile. I know that you always eat what you kill, but I bet a lot of our readers don’t know that you have been a raw food enthusiast for years.
Ted N: Yeah, that’s right, Neddy. Cooking is just a liberal Commie plot to deprive America of important nutrients that disappear when you cook this shit.
Ned: Do you draw the line on this anywhere?
Ted: Well, yeah. You know that because you were with me when I blew that loudmouth Commie stooge out of his deer stand. Remember? I didn’t field dress him or anything.
Ned: Yeah, I thought you showed remarkable restraint there. Uh..now let’s turn to Senator Cruz.

Ned: Senator, let’s talk about immigration for a bit.
Cruz: Okay Ned. First of all, you know we have to stop Biden’s deal with the drug cartels to keep all the borders open and let all these gang members and murderers and rapists enter this country to help with the Communist takeover. These people all need to stay in their own “shithole” countries. And how about those Scottish weirdo sissy boys. They come parading down 5th Avenue wearing their little skirts and goofy hats and playing that hippie drug music on their pipes. How long are we going to allow this? It’s like watching the end of civilization on live TV. We simply cannot have this! We have to build a wall all around the United States and top it with concertina wire and electrify the whole thing.
Ned: So, you want to build a wall across the Great Lakes and electrify it?
Cruz: That’s right. We have to stop all these damn Eskimos that are overwhelming our great country with their blubber burgers and their leftist relatives and dogs and those hippie sleds they’re all pulling around everywhere that are probably packed to the hilt with God knows what kind of drugs.
Ned: Well Ted, wasn’t your father a Cuban immigrant, and weren’t you born in Canada, and isn’t your real name Rafael Eduardo Cruz?
Cruz: FAKE NEWS! Hey Nugent, I think your brother is one of those damn limp-wristed Commie Bastards! I’m too busy saving America to deal with this crap! You now have official Senate permission to politically assassinate your brother’s sorry liberal ass for the good of the country.
Nugent: Hot damn! Uh-oh, left the AR-15 in the HumVee. Be right back. Oh, what the Hell! Let’s just wait one damn minute here! Your name is Rafael Eduardo? Really? Hot double damn! I think I’m gonna’ get me a 2 for 1 political assassination here. Man oh man, this must be my lucky day! You guys stay right here. I’ll be back in a minute. I gotta’ go get a gun and a lottery ticket!
Ned: Senator, do you think now would be a good time to discuss gun control?
Cruz: Don’t worry asshole. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.
Ned: …And mine with you.