Brain Wreck

After me and Roy quit makin’ movies, we didn’t do much of nothin’ besides sit around scratchin’, drinkin’ beer, and playin’ pinochle with Pat Brady and Gabby Hayes and Smiley Burnette. Hayes was okay ’cause he didn’t talk too much. His vocabulary was pretty much limited to the occasional “by cracky,” or “jumpin’ jehosophat,” or “ya’ never know ya’ know.” Just between you and me, I think he might have been a little slow. Couple of patties missin’ from the fertilizer pile.

Now Brady, on the other hand, Patrick Aloysius Brady, was nothin’ other than a bad-tempered, foul-mouthed, mean, obnoxious drunk.
Smiley Burnette never said a word. Might’ve been the drugs.

Now occasionally somebody somewhere would call us for a personal appearance, and that’s what happened when we went to that World’s Fair thing several years back.

I didn’t wanna’ take Brady with us ’cause on the way to our last personal appearance I’d had to take him back to the horse trailer and pistol whip him twice for mouthin’ off. Now, in our way of doin’ things, a man’s supposed to take his pistol whippin’ and like it and get on about his business without complainin’, but not Brady. Oh no. He whined and moaned about it so much that I gave him another one when we got to where we were goin’.

Well, Roy talked me into takin’ him with us to the World’s Fair, and this time he did behave a little better. Of course, he still got liquored up on the way, but you can’t have everything. So, we made it to the big fair without too much problem, got the horses bedded down, and got settled in. By the time we got all that done, Brady and Smiley Burnette had disappeared on us. We figured they had just gone off lookin’ for a liquor store or a crack dealer, so after a while, me, Roy, and Gabby decided to mosey around and size up the place.
Well, I tell ya’, it was pretty impressive to a couple of old cowboys. Saw all kinds of stuff we’d never seen before. Then Gabby, he sees a caramel apple stand and he went nuts. He loves them things, even though he can barely eat ’em what with his dentures and all. So, Roy bought him one, and then Gabby sees a giant Ferris Wheel, and he starts havin’ a fit to go on it. I swear, the man was touched in the head. He was hoppin’ up and down and yellin’, “Dagnab it,” and “Dadblame it,” so Roy went over and got 3 tickets and we got on the thing.

Well, we went around a few times and old Gabby was tryin’ to eat that apple with his dentures and yell, “Goldang it,” at everything at the same time, and the whole mess got tangled up in his whiskers and he was pullin’ at it all, and just as we came down to the bottom he lost his balance and fell right out of the gondola and we went right over him and we heard a smooshin’ sound and before the operator could get the thing stopped, why, I think every one a’ them gondola cars had squashed on him a time or two.
Me and Roy finally got off, expectin’ the worst, of course, and there was old Gabby Hayes lookin’ just like 180 pounds of applesauce with hair stickin’ out of it. “Say Gene,” Roy says, “That gives me an idea.” Well, that Roy was always one for comin’ up with good ideas. Next thing I know, me and Roy got us a custard stand out on the Midway, and that, partners, is how Sidekick Custard was born.
The best part about it was that once we ran out of our initial supply, we just sent Brady and Burnette out after dark to get some more.

Sidekick Custard is now, of course, a national chain, and, as an environmental measure, when it occasionally goes bad, Roy just shuffles the bad stuff over to his Roast Beef place to spice things up. Sometimes we give a little bit to charity, too. It kinda’ makes up for us puttin’ several hundred guys on disability after gettin’ shot in the hand.

All Sidekick Custard ingredients are a trademarked secret of the Rogers/Autry Corporation. It helps if you have a sidekick. Happy Trails To You.