Brain Wreck

“Good afternoon and welcome to the P.P. Tapes show here on station KDUH in beautiful St. Vitus, West Virginia. I’m your host, P.P. Tapes, and we’re coming to you from a hidden location in order to protect the identity of all concerned parties. We have a very special guest today, so let us welcome local resident, Cletus Flatulous. First of all, Cletus, did you know that you have the same name as a famous Roman emperor?”

“A famous what?”

“Roman emperor. You know, one of the guys who ran the Roman empire back in the day. Cletus was famous for being married to his aunt, his sister, and three of his first cousins at the same time.”

“Geez. When you think he had time to do any of that emperorin’ stuff? My cousin Lucille married my cousin Bobby Ray three different times. Course neither one of them worked or nothin’, so they would have had time for that kind of stuff. All I know is that my momma told me I was named after my great granddaddy.”

“And his name was Cletus Flatulous?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, okay. Let’s move on. For those of you still listening, Mr. Flatulous is here with us today because he claims that he and his whole family were recently abducted by aliens form the planet Doufus. So, Cletus, what would you like to tell our listeners today?”

“Well, first of all, I do not live in a trailer court! No siree! I live in a late model single-wide mobile home that sits on almost a quarter of an acre of land right behind the municipal sewage plant. I bought that land from the city for a substantial amount of cash money a while back. My home is also upwind, which drove up the price a little, but it was well worth it. I live there with my wife, Nelda Jean, our twins, Ronnie Gene and Bonnie Jean, and my oldest son, Gene Eugene. Ronnie Gene and Bonnie Jean just celebrated their tenth birthday, and they will be going into second grade next year. Gene Eugene calls himself a meth chef, whatever the hell that is. He’s always back there in his room cookin’ somethin’, and he never offers to share any of it. That’s okay with me ’cause it smells like dead possum in moth balls. 
My lovely wife, Nelda Jean, works at Wonder Weenie. That’s where we both started workin’ after we got expelled from high school in our sophomore year for makin’ our own version of the mile-high club up in the announcer’s booth at the top of the football stadium right after school one day. I mean, how were we supposed to know that the football team always started practice by runnin’ the bleachers? Anyway, we both went and got jobs at Wonder Weenie, and we’ve been there ever since. As a matter of fact, my lovely wife, Nelda Jean, who is a very talented woman in so many ways, actually wrote the Wonder Weenie jingle that is played here on your show every day. That Nelda Jean, she’s still a hottie. In hindsight, I think she might be the reason the aliens picked us to abduct. I’m sure it had somethin’ to do with that probin’ business they like so much.

“Okay, Cletus. How about we hear a word from our sponsor, Wonder Weenie, right about now, and let’s listen to the jingle your wife wrote. (Music begins to play.)

Wonder Weenies…..the complete delight
You can eat them morning, noon, or night
You won’t go blind or get any pimples
But you might get some condiments in your dimples
So, if you want a big thrill from head to toe 
Try Wonder Weenies for a great big O……Wow

“And we’re back. Cletus, why don’t you tell us what happened on the night of your abduction by aliens?”

“Well, Mr. Tapes…say, ain’t I heard your name somewhere before? I think it was a few years back, and then you just disappeared. Anyway, alien abduction. You know, I never used to believe in much. I didn’t believe in the chitlin fairy, and I ain’t never believed that the yankees won the damn war, and I also used to not believe in aliens. Whoo boy, was I ever wrong! They exist, and they are everywhere! 
This all started right after me and Nelda Jean was temporarily furloughed from Wonder Weenie. The FDA closed us down for havin’ roaches runnin’ around on the product. I did point out to them that they allow roach parts in the product, and all they said was that what people can’t see ain’t gonna’ hurt ’em. So, they gave us a couple of weeks off to clean up the mess in the warehouse and restaurant. Anyway, we was sittin’ around watchin’ “The Dukes of Hazzard” one night when there was a knock on the door. Now I know that’s not how aliens usually show up. On TV they always talk about some bright light and some spaceship comin’ down, but that ain’t the way it happened for us. When I opened the door, there were about a half a dozen guys who all looked like mean-ass bikers dressed up in leather jackets and smellin’ like goats. I asked ’em real nice-like who they were, and the biggest guy said that they were aliens from the Planet Doufus and this is an alien abduction. Well, they sure didn’t look like any aliens I’d seen on TV, but I learned later, because they told me, that they could change themselves into anything they wanted at any time. Like, they came to our place dressed as bikers so nobody would mess with them, and they had changed their spaceship into a ’97 Chevy kidnappers’ cargo van with realistic rust and dents and a windshield crack they said was actually a map of the Planet Doufus. 
So, they all went down to Gene Eugene’s room and started haulin’ out all his stuff. I was really hopin’ they’d get all them damn “Star Wars” movies he was always watchin’. All of them was haulin’ stuff except the one they called Bon Bon. They left him to watch us. I thought Bon Bon must have been somethin’ special because he was the only one wearin’ a pink leather jacket. 
Well, after they loaded Gene Eugene’s cooking supplies, they threw us all in the spaceship and hauled us down to the Wonder Weenie warehouse, and all the way down there they kept badgerin’ Gene Eugene and asking him exactly where the stash was located in the warehouse. Then, when we got there, some of ’em took Gene Eugene for a tour, and some of ’em took Nelda Jean off to the back somewhere. The one named Bon Bon took me into another room, and that’s where I got probed. You know, it ain’t half bad. I kinda’ enjoyed it, and if I ever get abducted again, I might suggest it. Then, after a little while, Nelda Jean came back with a big old smile on her face, and I asked her if she got probed. She told me she did, and she had a great time doing it. You know, after all that, and so many years married, our home entertainment life got a hell of a lot better. So anyway, after a while they loaded up all the stuff that Gene Eugene had been cookin’ for so many years, and I guess they took it back to Planet Doufus. I still don’t know why they wanted that stinky crap, but you never can tell about aliens. After that they took us home, and I ain’t heard from ’em since, and I wound up on the radio here with you, Mr. P.P. Tapes. 
Oh, and before I forget, I’m supposed to say that Wonder Weenie was founded by our local celebrities, Nefertiti and Big Juan Ramses, who made their fortune as adult film stars. Ha. Guess where they got their business name. Also, Nefertiti and Big Juan and Wonder Weenie sponsor this show, and they also sponsor our local minor league baseball team, the St. Vitus Speedy Weenies. I’m also supposed to mention that our town, St. Vitus, West Virginia, was named for St. Vitus, who I think was the patron saint of PolyDent. I guess that’s everything. “

“Okay. Well folks, there you have it, proof positive that alien abductions do happen, and that we had one right here with the Wonder Weenie folks of St. Vitus. So, keep your eyes on the sky and never look under the bed. I’m you host, P.P. Tapes, signing off until next time when our special guests will be Nefertiti and Big Juan Ramses talking about the time when their film career definitely did not take them to any hotel rooms in Moscow. So long from all the folks here at KDUH in beautiful downtown St. Vitus and all the folks at Wonder Weenie. Remember, it’s Wonder Weenie for a great big O…..Wow!