Brain Wreck

The American Dumfungle family reunion was recently held at cousin Ted Dumfungle’s farm located just outside of Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky. And yes, that is an actual place. Cousin Ted’s place has proven to be the perfect hideout for our clan, and if you have read previous posts on this site, you’ll know why we need a good hideout. The entire history of the Scottish Dumfungle clan and the Dumfungle Marital Aids Company, the source of the vast family fortune, has been posted here in recent times.
Please note that when the group portrait of the American Dumfungle clan was taken in the late afternoon of the reunion, our grandfather, Otis Ray Dumfungle, was already dead. Grandpa, to the chagrin of some and the joy of others, was taking his daily multivitamin and washing it down with his seventh martini of the morning when the martini olive and the vitamin pill tried to go down at the same time and became lodged in his windpipe. Grandma, who was always quick about thinking on her feet, grabbed a big butcher knife and said, “Any of y’all who might be thinkin’ about that Heimlich Maneuver crap better be prepared to pay the price!”
Well, as we all knew from previous unfortunate experiences, Grandma Dumfungle was nobody to mess with…and we all had the scars to prove it.
Anyway, the reunion continued, and a good time was being had by all, except Grandpa, until later when cousin Fernie decided that we needed to take care of Grandpa before everybody passed out or tried to find their way home. Now we all hold cousin Fernie in high esteem, and we usually listen to her. Fernie, after all, is the bright light of the American branch of the Dumfungle clan. Fernie, you see, was the world’s greatest monkey juggler. At one time Fernie even had her own TV quiz show in Algiers where she was quite famous. The show was called “Deal or Ordeal”. Contestants on the show were asked one question like, “Name the famous Tibetan Nun who had a mole on her left buttock that looked just like Fred MacMurray eating a mayonnaise sandwich”. If the contestant answered correctly, they received one of the monkeys that Fernie juggled throughout the show. If they answered incorrectly, they were immediately remanded to the custody of the secret police and subjected to things that are best not discussed after a heavy meal. Also, she might have been involved in a counterfeit girl scout cookie and white slavery ring, but ours is not to judge or question why.
Anyway, Fernie, after enjoying a “few” adult beverages throughout the day, informed us that she was going to call 911 to dispose of Grandpa in a proper manner instead of leaving him out by the side of the Monkey’s Eyebrow Piggly Wiggly. We all thought that was a good idea because nobody wanted to haul him all the way to the Piggly Wiggly when somebody else would come and take care of him.
Anyway, although we all agreed that it did seem like the best course of action, Fernie, mostly due to a bit of advanced inebriation, made a few mistakes with the execution of the plan. First of all, she told the people on the other end of the line who we were. Needless to say, our reputation preceded us. Then she had to tell them where we were. This too was a mistake. Also, as we later found out, Fernie, instead of dialing 911, accidentally dialed 666. In a little while, a whole bunch of really ugly guys came over and burned down cousin Ted’s house and barn.
Afterwards, another family meeting was called, and all of those who survived decided that next year’s reunion was gonna’ be at Fernie’s house. If you would like to come, just leave a comment or email me for directions. A good time is guaranteed for all……except Grandpa.
Please note that no guns or multivitamins will be allowed. Thank you.