Anonymous TV viewer Roy Ray Rothschild of Bufsquat, New York: “Well, I don’t know who the biggest idiot is here. Is it this oily TV reporter for interviewing this dumbass or is it this dumbass who just went over the Falls in an accordion or is it me for watching this drivel? Anyway, here it is, just like I recorded it.”
Lance: “Hi folks! I’m Lance Goatschnif reporting live here on WUSS-TV from the banks of the beautiful Niagara River just below Niagara Falls.
We’re here today with world famous daredevil, Jimmy Joe Jeeter, who just emerged from the river after becoming the very first person to ever go over Niagara Falls inside a real accordion.
Jimmy Joe, you’re famous for going over Venezuela’s Angel Falls inside a piano, Zambia’s Victoria Falls inside an upright bass, and Minnesota’s Frostbite Falls inside a sousaphone. What made you decide on an accordion for Niagara Falls?”
JJJ: “Wha…..?”
Lance: “Could you tell the folks at home what you were thinking and just how it felt when you started to go over the falls?”
JJJ: “Wha…..?”
Lance: “Okay. Jimmy Joe, what will be your next death-defying feat?”
JJJ: “Wha….?”
Lance: “Well, Jimmy Joe, do you have any last words for our viewers?”
JJJ: “Caw….me….uh……..am…bu…lanz!”
Lance: “Could you repeat that?
JJJ: “Caw…me….uh…….am….bu….lanz!”
Lance: “Uh, okay, I think that about wraps it up. Back to you in the studio, Pepper Lou and Fess.”
Pepper Lou: “Well Lance, it looks like it’s just me, Pepper Lou Schmeckly, here in the studio. My partner, Fess, who also happens to be my boyfriend, is currently in the green room making out with our producer, Alice Chalmers. Back to you, LANCE!”
Lance: “Well, Pepper Lou, it looks like Jimmy Joe has nothing else to say, so….back to you.”
Pepper Lou: “DAMN IT!! I SAID BACK TO YOU, LANCE! ARE YOU DEAF? I’M GOING BACK TO THE GREEN ROOM TO KILL THAT BIT…”
Roy Ray: “My TV screen just went black for a second, and then Mr. Oily Reporter and Accordion Man reappeared on the banks of the river.”
Lance: “Well, looks like it’s back to us, Jimmy Joe. Uh, uh, I know, why don’t we sing a song. And all you folks at home, feel free to sing along, especially if you are an agent or talent scout. Okay Jimmy Joe, here we go….”
Roy Ray: “At this point, the reporter slicked back his hair, cleared his throat, struck a suggestive pose, and then began to caterwaul in a hideous off-key sort of baritone voice.”
“Strangers in the night, exchanging glances
Wondering in the night, what were the chances
We’d be sharing lo…….”
Roy Ray: “That’s when my TV screen went completely black. There was a long period of total silence, and then after a while an unidentified voice came on and said, “We interrupt this program to announce immediate job openings in the following departments…and in the background there was a voice saying, “Caw…Me…Uh……Am…Bu…Lanz!!!!”
Brain Wreck 
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