Brain Wreck

Manufacturer’s Disclaimer: The makers of All New Defends do not support or oppose any political candidate. At our most recent board meeting a vote was taken, and it was decided that we all wanted to continue with our quest to remain among the living. In keeping with this action, we have also applied for asylum in the non-extradition country of Peru.

DEFENDS-YOU NEED US!
When delay and postponement is no longer a personal hygiene option.
When you can’t stop the hamberders and covfefe from crossing your border.
When your behind gets too stormy and you need a partner in the daily trials of life.
When normal negotiating tactics just aren’t working.
When a mulligan is not enough…DEFENDS is the perfect hiding place for errant golf balls.
When you need extra strength soundproof, blowout proof, and waterproof protection, like when delivering an inaugural address or begging for money from people who just missed their last house trailer payment or people who just bought their own Supreme Court justices, their own congress persons, or their own countries.
When regular methods of birth control won’t suffice.
When you need the perfect accessory for your new gold sneakers.
All New DEFENDS is now available in a variety of seductive scents and various shades of red.
Free tie and autographed Bible with every bulk purchase.
DEFENDS now comes in sizes XL through XXXXXXXXXL. Strength and poundage capabilities may vary with sizes.
Every case of DEFENDS comes with a Presidential Seal of Approval.
DEFENDS! Catching bullshit since June 14, 1946.