Brain Wreck

I wish to take this opportunity, mainly because there’s nobody here to give me any grief about it, to announce that I am now officially a write-in candidate for President of the U.S., or the United States Senate, House of Representatives, or any other elected position where I can later solicit people to send me truckloads of money to do basically nothing other than to offer up empty promises and the occasional 15-second sound bite. 

My qualifications are that I am not a lawyer. Are there any other necessary qualifications? Right now, the A-listers who represent us basically consist of high-school dropouts, sex offenders, pathological liars, and other felons of various stripes. The B-listers you probably don’t even want to know about. I think that I can at least appear to be a slightly better choice than some of those folks. To paraphrase Groucho Marx, honesty and integrity are the most important things. If you can fake that, you got it made. 

I do have a very healthy disdain for politicians in general. I believe that most of them, apologies here to competent lawyers, were just incompetent lawyers who weren’t doing too well in their practices. So, what better way to get rich quick than to use all the crap they learned in law school to punch their ticket to a place at the public trough. This is El Dorado. Here is where they can all spout nonsense and slop up enormous amounts of our wonderful, and seemingly endless, public funds. 

Of course, not all politicians start out as incompetent lawyers. Some are spoiled rotten trust-fund kids, some are gigantic, narcissistic, egomaniacal nincompoops, and some are just complete dumbasses with rich friends. 

So, because I have an intense desire to join these dedicated public servants as they fulfill their obligations and observe their traditional bacchanalian rituals, I have included a list of all the reasons why you should elect me to one or more of these exalted positions. I sincerely thank you for your vote, and here are my absolutely sincere campaign promises. Trust me on this.

Really, Truly, Sincere, Totally Truthful Campaign Promises

1. All my voters will receive an Olympic size inground pool installed at the property of their choice.
2. Real ponies, baby elephants, and bunnies will be given to all children and grandchildren of those who support me. 
3. Columbus, Ohio, will now be known as Bobville.
4. No University can have the word “The” in front of their name. 
5. All self-service checkouts shall be manned by qualified employees.
6. All males over the age of forty who are judged as adequately pathetic shall receive a 20% government rebate on all Japanese sex dolls. 
7. All pseudo-wine connoisseurs shall be restricted to a diet of Pabst Blue Ribbon and beef jerky for at least two Senatorial terms. 
8. All companies using automated phone systems shall have their business licenses revoked and be subjected to prolonged IRS audits and exposure to Monkeypox for all officers. 
9. All names that originated from network soap operas shall be banned from use on innocent children. Examples include such names as Morgan, Lance, Sabrina, Brick, Sky, Misty Dawn, Stud Puppy, and all others.
10. The President’s official song, “Hail to the Chief,” shall only be played on electric slide guitar by Ry Cooder or my 14-year-old cousin Tina, who desperately needs a job (presently under house arrest.)
11. NFL referees and Major League umpires who piss me off shall be stripped of their citizenship and deported to Mongolia. 
12. All who vote for me shall receive free gas, groceries, utilities, gas station air, and donuts for life. 
13. Supreme Court justices will now be known as Doc, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Bashful, Sneezy, Happy, Fred and Ethyl.
14. A new Supreme Court justice will be selected every two years using rock, paper, and scissors. The longest serving justice will have to go home and shut the hell up!
15. All potential candidates for office, except me, will be subjected to intense psychiatric examination.
16. All persons wishing to have children will have to pass a series of competency tests and spend at least forty training hours looking at and smelling large amounts of baby shit. 
17. Those wishing to be married must pass a strenuous series of tests that take from 2 to 5 years to complete.
18. In order to secure a divorce, both parties shall stand face-to-face, and each will shout, “You Suck!” three times. Then both parties will spin around twice and slap each other in the face with a piece of stale salami. Divorce is granted upon completion of the ceremony. 
19. Free soap to all voters.
20. Columbus Day will now be known as Doris Day. Groundhog’s Day will now be known as The Billie Holiday.
21. All U.S. TV stations will be permanently prohibited from showing reruns of any episode of “I Love Lucy.” 
22. The draft age shall be raised to 65. The age of consent shall be lowered to 14.
23. Those who oppose me will be forced to listen to Bob Dylan’s first, and still unreleased, album for Columbia records titled, “I Got a Head Full of Dreams and a Butt Full of Beans (To See Me Through.”)
24. All professional athletes and newscasters of all sexes must perform in the nude to honor their Greek forebearers.
25. If the Treasure of Oak Island includes an orb, scepter, and crown, they shall be used as part of my inauguration. 
26. I shall be referred to as President Napoleon the First. 
27. If I am elected to any position, every person will receive their own personal flying hydrogen car. 
28. Finally, if elected, every one of my supporters will receive my personal check for $10,000 dollars…at some point in the future. 

ENDORSEMENTS

Well, he’s already on parole, so we wouldn’t be out any money to prosecute this guy again. -Speedtrap, Kansas, radio station KSPT on-air personality, Wise Old Al. 

Is this the same guy who was the lead accordion player for Mona Loud and the Bonobo Cheese Buggers? If that’s him, then all I can say is thank God he’s trying to change careers. –P. McCartney–on tour from Walla Walla, Washington. 

I liked that band! –Eduardo Cruz, U.S. Senator and avid accordion fan.

I really like this brand of peanut butter. It’s better than that crap my mom usually buys. –U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham.

This guy is riotously funny! –The Oath Keepers. Inmates #OICU812, BR549, 69690000, 867-5309, Formula 409, 666-666, WD40, 911-911, 634-5789, 7100553, 58008, and U6.

We served together in the DeKalb County Sheriff’s Department, the FBI, and the Georgia State Patrol. He has a genuine Riders In The Sky badge, and it looks just like mine! It’s pretty cool! –Herschel Walker.

We are not members of the Georgia State Patrol. –Riders In The Sky–Ranger Doug, Too Slim, Woody Paul, and Joey, the Cow Polka King!

FEEBLE MERCHANDISING SCAM #2

My Friends, 
Here’s your chance to do your Patriotic Duty and help save our wonderful country from total ruin! Be aware that this could be your only chance to do the right thing!
I am so proud to say that I, and I alone, can save our magnificent country from being totally destroyed by you know who. How, you say? Elect me and find out!
My friends and fellow patriots, I desperately need your generous campaign contributions to defeat the forces of evil that threaten us every second of every day from within and without! You must help defeat these villainous forces by giving until it hurts! I know that many of you have various fancy investments, savings accounts, annuities, CDs, egg money, piggy bank money, and rainy-day cash stashed here and there and doing you no good whatsoever! Put that money to use! ELECT ME! I, and I alone, can solve all your problems in this life!
For a contribution of $100 dollars, you will receive an autographed 8×10 glossy of yours truly and a genuine Riders In The Sky Sheriff’s Badge.
A contribution of $500 dollars will earn you a certificate of Gold Brainwreck Status and an 8×10 glossy of yours truly showing a little ankle.
For a $1,000 dollar contribution, you will earn Platinum Brainwreck Status, access to all Brainwreck posts, and a free T-shirt!
For all contributions over $1,000 dollars, you will receive a minimum two-week personal visit from me and my family at your summer home or vacation lodge.
Thank you for your support! I am looking forward to cashing your checks!