Brain Wreck

With the current frenzy of March Madness basketball, the most memorable game in tournament history, the story of which the NCAA has tried desperately to suppress for many years, is now the source of a new documentary called “Dumfungelmania” brought to you by the Dumfungel Corporation of downtown Scotland.

The story begins in a small village in the Scottish Highlands called Twoholer, ancestral home of the Dumfungel clan. The head of the clan at that time was Eugene Autry Dumfungel. Eugene was the village giant standing 7’4″ tall and weighing in at 30 stone. That’s 420 pounds for you Yanks. Eugene and his wife, Bushmill, who only weighed 28 stone, had 3 sons, Eugene Autry, Jr., Angus Joe, and Crazy Donald. Unfortunately, all 3 sons were born with a genetic disorder called FBD, or Flaming Butt Disorder. As of this date, no cure for FBD has been found.
The Dumfungel brothers had 2 cousins, Vinnie and Vito, who were born to their aunt and uncle, Roy Rogers Dumfungel and his wife, Gale Evans Dumfungel. The cousins, sadly enough, were also afflicted with FBD.
All 5 boys grew to enormous size, and they honed their athletic skills by chasing sheep around the rugged Scottish Highlands and throwing basketball-size boulders down on the English tourists.
One tourist who escaped this fate happened to be the head basketball coach for the Syphilite Springs, Arkansas, Junior College Sheepjumpers. His name was Jimbo Hemingway, and when coach Jimbo laid eyes on the Dumfungel boys he couldn’t believe his good fortune. Eugene Autry stood 8’9″ tall. His brothers were 8’2″ and 8’1″ respectively. Their twin cousins, Vinnie and Vito, were each 7’8″ tall, and none of the boys were skinny. Vito was the lightest at about 455 pounds.
Coach Jimbo, after finding out that they all played basketball on a steep mountainside court when they got bored with chasing sheep and flattening English tourists, was overjoyed! When Jimbo offered them all full scholarships, they readily accepted because they misunderstood the meaning of the team name Sheepjumpers. THIS LINE IS CENSORED BY ORDER OF YOUR GOVERNMENT FOR DECENCY AND MORALITY! WE ARE WATCHING YOU!
To make a long story shorter, the boys went to Arkansas and got so good at basketball that it gave coach Jimbo a grandiose vision, and he immediately petitioned the NCAA to become the first junior college team to ever be included in the National Championship Tournament. The President of the NCAA said a robust “Hell No!,” but Jimbo persisted. He somehow persuaded the Boston Celtics play an exhibition game against his team which the Sheepjumpers won 184 to 42. They then beat the New York Knicks by a score of 224 to 14. The NCAA President was impressed. He finally agreed to the deal when it included a new Chevy Nova and a date for the 82-year-old President with Miss Arkansas,
The first tournament game for the Dumfungels was scheduled to take place in Los Angeles. Syphilite Springs Junior College had rigged up a special school bus for the boys which, when fully loaded, had a top cruising speed of 38 miles per hour. With great foresight, the boys stocked the bus with enough food and beverages to last through a very extensive road trip from New York to L.A. and then all over the West for subsequent games. Their stash included 400 pounds of Hagis, 50 dozen mystery meat tacos, a 55-gallon drum of baked beans, several bushels of brussels sprouts and hot peppers, 25 cases of canned Stag beer, numerous cases of Guinness, 20 gallons of BlowKilt Scotch, and various and sundry other goods.
The first game in L.A. took place at the Forum, home of the Los Angeles Lakers. The crowd was huge, and the courtside seats were packed with famous Hollywood celebrities. Unfortunately for these folks, the Dumfungel clan, all of whom were afflicted with recurring FBD, had managed to consume their entire bus load of goods on the trip from New York to L.A.
The first 5 minutes of the game saw the Dumfungels score at will and totally dominate the opposing team. However, it was warm in the arena, and after running for a few more minutes the boys began to loosen up and sweat profusely. Shortly thereafter, Vinnie Dumfungel was called for the first Fragrant Foul in tournament history. After that, all Hell broke loose. The Sheepjumpers were called for 13 Fragrant Fouls in the next 30 seconds, and after that came what has been known forever after as “The Great B’ball Bomb!”. That’s when Eugene Autry let loose with a blast that sounded like a cannon and so startled the crowd that many thought it was a terrorist attack. Several celebrities sitting courtside were immediately overcome with fumes and rendered unconscious. Total panic then ensued as the entire crowd tried to exit the arena at the same time. The result, sadly, was that 432 patrons were killed, another 805 were injured, and several celebrities received permanent brain damage, even though this was difficult, in most cases, to diagnose.
In the aftermath, Syphilite Springs Junior College was permanently banned from ever again fielding a basketball team. The Dumfungel boys were never criminally charged, but they were quickly deported as per an emergency request from the EPA. The NCAA issued a proclamation prohibiting any person or persons from ever speaking or writing of the event.
Eugene Autry Dumfungel, Jr., is now CEO of the International Dumfungel Corporation. The other Dumfungel boys comprise the Board of Directors. They financed this documentary because they are now all rich fat cats and the laws, judgments, proclamations, and bans on anything no longer apply to them. The Dumfungel Corporation, among their many products, also make Depends. America is now their biggest market for this particular product.
As always, the Dumfungel Clan begins each day by placing their hands over their hearts and reciting the Dumfungel Corporation slogan in unison.
“Every Kiss Begins With Kay!
Every Piss Begins With Pee!
Dumfungel, Dumfungel, Cha, Cha, Cha!!”