Brain Wreck

Hey, it’s me again, your old pal and world-renowned idol, John Wayne. I’m back from the dead. You all know that I am way too damn tough to ever die. Anyway, all the little flatulent buckaroos are now full grown, and we are pleased to announce that our band, John Wayne and the Flatulent Buckaroos, will be embarking on a world tour beginning on January 1, 2023. The band, for those of you who are too dumb to have been paying attention, is an eclectic western swing, headbanger, zydeco, bluegrass, and Broadway show tunes organization. We’ve been on every radio and tv station in the world. If you haven’t heard us, it might be because your cornbread ain’t done in the middle. My advice to you is to listen up and listen up good. Tickets are still available online through Ticket Disaster and at the door. Stop reading this and go buy your tickets right now. You got that?

As always, we will kick off our tour where it all began for us. That means we will be appearing in concert at Al’s Alignment Shop in Walla, Walla, Washington, on January 1, 2023. This is gonna’ sell out fast folks, and if it doesn’t then Al is contractually obligated to give all ticket holders a free alignment, free access to his fully stocked liquor cabinets, or a date with some of his better-looking women folks. Unfortunately for all you hetero gals, all of Al’s male relatives are uglier than the men’s room at the Dirtbag Saloon on a late Saturday night. You might just want to check out the liquor cabinet. Al has a better selection than most big-time liquor stores. Al can also give you tips on where to get discount liver transplants in the greater Walla Walla area.

I’m also pleased to announce to all our fans that The Flatulent Buckaroos still feature all your favorite players like Crazy Chuckie Dumfungle, Gumless John, The Roundheel Rockettes (Tina Thighburn, Lucy Morals, and Easy Edna Headley), Earl Scruggs on banjo, R.C. Cola and Moonpie tasting, Frank Zappa on guitar and immature behavior, The Loosey and Dizzy horns (Greasy Weasel Handy on trombone and sousaphone, Donnie Twump, Jr. on twumpet and animal control, Mona Loud on hot sax, and Seamus Oorlich on bagpipes and whiskey), and me, the great John Wayne, on vocals, tap dance, and amazing feats of magic. Maureen O’Hara, my favorite co-star, great gal, taught me how to tap dance and yodel and do magic tricks and drink Irish whiskey. I do mostly card tricks for my magic act. I have people sitting close to me around a table, and if the trick goes bad, I just reach over and pop ’em one right in the kisser. When they all regain consciousness, I ask ’em if that wasn’t the greatest magic trick they’d ever seen. They always agree that it most certainly was. That’s how I built my reputation as a great magician. Now I’m John Wayne, famous traveling musician. Here’s our concert schedule. Pay attention. Remember my magic act.

The Flatulent Buckaroos Goat-Sniffer Tour-2023

Jan.1-Al’s Alignment, Walla Walla, Washington
Jan. 6-Palm Beach, Fla. Mar-A-Lago Gropers’ Convention. Opening act, Quiet Riot.
Jan. 7-Honululu, Hawaii. Howlie and Honkey House of Hair. Opening act, The Ho Family-Don, Tally, Heidi, Ivan, Land, and Crack.
Jan. 8-London, England. Royal Albert Hall. Opening act, Tidy Whitey and the Softballs.
Jan.9-Wasilla, Alaska. Palin’s Annual Inuit Orgy Festival featuring Nanooky of the Northy. Looking forward to this one.
Jan. 10-30. Penalcolonoscopy, Siberia. Opening act, Vlady Putin and his Naked Buttinsky Orchestra. Not looking forward to this one..
Feb. 6-Tehran, Iran. 50,000 Virgins Festival of Chastity, Sobriety, Boredom, and Abstinence. Opening act, 14 hours of prayer. Audience participation is required.
Feb. 7. Sag Harbor, Fla. Sunshine Retirement Community National Incontinence Convention. Opening act, Saggy Bob Codger and the Dropbutt Rangers.
Feb. 14. Cannes, France. Drunken Debauchery Fest. Opening act, Peter Palmer and the Blisters.
Feb. 15. Megamethane, Wyoming. Pleasure Treasure Palace, Adult Toy Store, and Plumbing Shop. Opening acts, Braunschweiger Bomb Squad and The Sniffers.
March 18. Loinlock, Louisiana. Herbert Ray Thibodeaux’s high school graduation, 29th birthday, and crawfish boil. Opening acts, Blasted Bastards Zydeco Band, The Fishnet Fillies, or The Crab Spreaders (depends on level of sobriety).
March 19-April 23. Spring Break.
April 25. Virginia City, Nevada Dinner Theatre. Annual Donner keg party. Opening acts, Mystery Meat Quintet, Garbagehead Brown and the Flies of Renown.
April 26-May 26. Agent checked into Rehab. All dates to be rescheduled.
May 28. Rio De Janeiro, Brazil. Syphilis Saturday Sesquicentennial. (No selfies. No Autographs). Opening act, Puny Peter and the Scratchers.
June 2. Kansas City, Mo. Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl Party. Opening act, The Premature Rejaculators.
June 3-July 3. Bass player and drummer gone to Rehab.
July 4. Washington, D.C. National Mall 4th of July Celebration. Opening acts, Dead Kennedys, The Sex Pistols, Black Flag featuring Doc Severinson, The Ramones, Herman’s Hermits, The Wiggles, Snoop Dog, Vienna Boys’ Choir, Tupac Shakur, Flatt and Scruggs, Weird Al, The Mormon Tabernacle Marching Band, and The Chicken Ranch Kickline Dancers.
July 5-August 30. Summer vacation and sex change surgery for Chuckie Dumfungle and Tina Thighburn. Negotiations underway for job, wardrobe, and name swap.
September 10. Dumpass, Georgia. Guest appearance on ‘Dumpass Today’, WSHT public television, with host and hostess Johnny Ray Sissipant and Paula Sue Bouffant-Promdate.
October 11. Los Angeles, California. Free Willie Festival with special guest star Long John Holmes.
October 31. Salem, Massachusetts. Cure for Crystal Balls Fundraiser with special guest star Long John Holmes.
November 10. Nassau, Bahamas. LaTrina’s Jerk Pork, Chicken, and Hamster Stand. Opening acts, Bob Warley and the Mailers and The Candy Poledansky Polka Band.
November 14. Peoria, Illinois. Larry Flynn’s Hustler Club. Opening acts, Danny and Marie and The Chuck Wagon Gang.
November 21. Grottenschnottenazi, Germany. International Yahtzee Tournament of Champions. Opening act, Adolf Einstein and the Nagasaki Polka Humpers.
November 22. Trial begins for our twumpet player, Donnie Twump, Jr.
December 31. John Wayne and the Flatulent Buckaroos end of tour penicillin injections, fashion show, drunken brawl, nose candy, and Covid testing party.
Free butt tattoos for all attendees! See you next year!