Brain Wreck

I am a huge fan of live music, and, as such, I attend as many shows and concerts as I possibly can. Not all of these concerts are first-rate, but I always give the performers the benefit of the doubt just for their efforts. That’s where I was last night when I saw the greatest, or weirdest, tattoo of all time. The concert featured a band called Wild Billie Willsuckle and the Burnt Weenie Wranglers. They played heavy metal cowboy songs. I’m not joking. It was a strange band and a strange crowd. I was very surprised to see lots and lots of old folks with lots of old and dated and often faded tattoos. Apparently, most of Wild Billie’s following consists of old weird people with very poor musical tastes.

I actually saw one rather large, extremely hairy, elderly gentleman wearing a wife-beater t-shirt that left a large portion of his enormous belly exposed. The belly in question looked like the end result of a lifetime case a day of Pabst Blue Ribbon with a case of Old Milwaukee for a chaser habit. I couldn’t take my eyes off the thing because of what was tattooed on that massive midriff. The tattoo said, “One of the benefits of old age is that we become tough and stringy. This makes us less susceptible to being preyed upon by the roving bands of cannibals that have become so prevalent in our society.” For such an obviously expensive tattoo, it was not a pretty sight. Also, he didn’t look tough and stringy. He looked like the end result of the mating of the Pillsbury Doughboy with the real-life version of Petunia Pig. In other words, extreme porcine overtones.

I almost forgot to mention that on the aforementioned evening, I also witnessed what I thought was only an urban legend. During the band’s first break, another elderly gentleman climbed up on the stage. He then proceeded to unbuckle his belt, drop his trousers and tie-dyed underwear, bend over at the waist, and expose his not-aging-well buttocks to the crowd. The interesting part of this exhibition, interesting if you are a person of slightly warped mentality, is that he had a large W tattooed on each butt cheek. In his bent over position, the tattoo spelled WOW. After giving the crowd a sufficient amount of time to appreciate his contribution to the artistic enlightenment of all present, he then proceeded to stand on his head. From that position his tattoo spelled MOM. Isn’t that sweet? I bet it was a Mother’s Day present at one time. Judging by the wrinkles present on the area in question, I would estimate that the one time was probably about 70 years ago. All in all, it was a memorable evening full of visuals that are still causing me to have terrible dreams about being held hostage in an unnamed tattoo parlor that features endless piped in music by Andy Williams and the Osmond Brothers played at brain rattling volume. Oh well, more fodder for the therapist. I will not be attending that venue again. However, I did pick up a CD and t-shirt on my way out the door. Support live music. Support your local musicians. Also, for all young people who are thinking about getting a new tattoo or tattoos, just remember that one day you too will be an old person, and old tattooed people are disgusting. Of course, if you are an old and heavily tattooed person who is actually reading this, I am not talking about you. I am absolutely sure that your entire body is a visual masterpiece. I’m just talking about the old disgusting folks. You, I would be willing to bet, are the highest order of museum quality tattoo art. As a matter of fact, the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Museum has an outstanding collection of old tattooed people on continuous display. All you have to do is sign the release form and agree to be mounted on the wall.