Brain Wreck

1. I will never again say, “Hold my beer…. watch this!”
2. I will stop telling people that the scar on my arm is a shrapnel wound from the war when the scar was actually caused by the removal of my Stormy Daniels tattoo.
3. I will treat all people with kindness and respect unless some ignorant SOB really pisses me off.
4. I will try to find out what the real difference is between infantry and adultery.
5. I will never again throw up in the hat of a state patrolman. At least I hope not. The consequences are not pretty.
6. I will not fire any more warning shots at my loud and obnoxious neighbors. This year it’s the real deal.
7. I will continue to ask Santa Claus for a real pony every Christmas, and he damn well better deliver before it’s too late.
8. I will continue to boycott all ridiculous talk shows on radio, TV, and the internet, except for the ones that reinforce my perfectly formed and righteous opinions and beliefs.
9. I will not confuse kowtow with cow toe. Now that I have figured it out, I resolve to never again cow toe to any other person.
10. If a person gives me the finger this year, I will immediately drop my pants and shoot them the moon. I hope this doesn’t occur while I am driving, but you can’t have a resolution with limitations.
11. The next time I meet with the French Ambassador, I will not sing, “Alouette, Gentille Alouette, Alouette, Alouette bed.”
12. I will no longer argue with the person who told me that if man was meant to watch airplanes, we would all have eyes in the top of our head.
13. I will try to discourage the neighborhood kids from eating out of my bird feeders. Hey, the food bank is within easy walking distance of our neighborhood.
14. I will not replace Baby Jesus in nativity scenes with statues of Yoda.
15. I will not threaten people with eternal hell for not reading my blog posts. This might be subject to change. Depends on circumstances.
16. In spite of obvious brilliance, I will continue to practice the greatest humility ever conceived by any human being. I, and I alone, can practice this to perfection.
17. I will name all my new dogs Lemley Gilbert.
18. To all those who say my blog posts are too scatological in nature, I will say, “Bullshit!”
HAPPY NEW YEAR!