Brain Wreck

Today is the birthday of my beloved cousin, Arsole Clumpfree Dumfungle. Arsole is now the de facto head of the world famous Dumfungle clan of County Basie, Scotland. The Dumfungle clan, for those of you who are not familiar with them, made their vast family fortune way back in the Middle Ages. Any person who is familiar with the fiber arts or the history of marital aids can probably tell you in great detail about the incredible Dumfungles and their gifted members.

The Dumfungles began their journey into the history books as a clan of weavers and knitters who somehow managed to last for many centuries by surviving or avoiding military service, the black plague, the chartreuse plague, the plague of allegiance, pestilence, famine, the roving heavy metal bands of ruffians and cannibals, chronic diarrhea, sheep pox, poor hygiene, non-existent sewers, being burned at the stake for heresy, and all the other perks and niceties of medieval life.

The Dumfungles, who began as a clan of very modest means, eked out a living for many years by weaving and knitting such things as kilt undercovers, now known by a much more descriptive name that makes reference to frankfurters, sheep mutes for use by some members of the Dumfungle clan in their social lives, and bagpipe mufflers and silencers. The bagpipe silencer business, however, didn’t last very long as people soon discovered that the best bagpipe silencer is the sudden death of the piper. It has been said that many medieval citizens were not music lovers, but it could be argued that they were. Thus, the demise of the pipers followed by lovely peace and quiet.

The modest lives of the Dumfungle clan proceeded through the centuries until one day an enormous stroke of good fortune came from out of nowhere. Well, not exactly nowhere, but pretty close. It actually came out of the alcohol impaired brain of Dumfungle clan member, Hugh Heifer Dumfungle. According to family lore, after an evening with one unnamed local sultry bar wench, which was accompanied by way too much alcohol, Hugh Heifer came up with the brilliant idea of making and selling woven and knitted marital aids. It was the first time that anybody had come up with anything new in the department since Neanderthals discovered how to use long skinny rocks. When compared to that grittiness, almost anything was an improvement. Needless to say, the new and improved products soon went viral on the Town Cryer circuit, and, because they had zero competition, they began selling stuff as fast as they could make it. As they say, find a need and fill it. Unfortunately, the average working speed for a Dumfungle was comparable to a three-toed sloth full of quaaludes. That’s when lightning struck for the second time, and the brilliance of Desiree Dumfungle came to the rescue. Desiree, for those of you who are history buffs, was the lady who invented outsourcing. Isn’t that amazing! She contacted a company in Stickit, India, who only used nimble fingered laborers between the ages of 6 and 10 who worked for food. The profit margin for the Dumfungles was enormous! They soon became the Amazon of the Middle Ages. For their efforts, Hugh Heifer and Desiree were recognized by King Rectalferd the Third. Hugh was knighted and became Sir Hugh Heifer Dumfungle. Desiree was given the title of Duchess of Sheepexcrement-on-Shoe, and thereafter became Lady Desiree Dumfungle.

I guess I should also tell you that that the name Dumfungle loosely translates to Big Dumb Shit Guys in the Scottish vernacular, and that’s really what they were mostly known for until Hugh Heifer and Desiree came up with their brilliant ideas. Oh, and there’s also a law in Scotland called the Dumfungle Statute. It states that no member of the Dumfungle clan can live within a night’s walk of a sheep farm. This law was enacted after many complaints from farmers for obvious reasons. The problem was so bad at one time before this law that newborn lambs had become widely known as Dumfungles.

Well, after a couple of hundred more years, the Dumfungle craze began to die out when competition showed up with new variations on old themes. By the time this happened, however, the Big Dumb Shit Guy Dumfungles had managed to garner a huge fortune. For those of you who have tried historically woven and knitted marital aids, I’m sure that you are thankful for modern technology and anonymous mail orders. You should be. Anyway, as the family business began to dwindle, the Dumfungles began to branch out. Most of them went into the practice of law, politics, advertising, high finance, and other bogus and totally bullshit endeavors. That’s where my cousin, Arsole Clumpfree Dumfungle wound up. Arsole Clumpfree is now CEO of Goldman-Sachs. The rest of the Dumfungle clan, many who have changed their names, are most prominent in American politics these days.

The Dumfungle Marital Aids Company Museum, located in Sheepexcrement-on-Shoe, Scotland, is open daily from sunset to sunrise. The hours are to honor the memory of the nocturnal Dumfungle ancestors. Product demonstrations are given on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 2:00 a.m. and again at 4:00 a.m. You must be 21 to enter.