Brain Wreck

Heinie Wayne and Junie Mae Hockeypoozle were once the most famous sausage makers in all of Bavaria. They were known far and wide for their secret ingredient sausage, and the secret ingredient later came to be known as the main cause of World War I, World War II, the rise of Naziism, and later, after World War II when the secret ingredient began to be served in school lunches throughout the U.S, it was found to be the main cause of massive increases of drug abuse and gun violence in America. It was also the cause of Mad Cow disease. Heinie Wayne and Junie Mae were also quite possibly the worst parents in the history of fairy tales. While enjoying all the fame and fortune of being the sausage King and Queen of Bavaria, Heinie Wayne and Junie Mae were teetering on the brink of criminal negligence in all matters concerning their unfortunate young daughter, Goldilocks. Much of this they attributed to the inordinate amount of time they had to spend keeping up in the intensely competitive world of professional sausage. However, in all probability, the main reason for most of their behavior toward their only child was that Heinie Wayne and Junie Mae were what was known in their native country as a couple of knee-walking, snot-slinging drunks. As such, they were frequently absent from the home for long periods of time while indulging in drunken revelry in various unknown locations while leaving Goldilocks, whose birth name was actually Hilda Lou Hockeypoozle, to fend for herself. That’s how Goldilocks twig got bent. So, fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your point of view, her early childhood trauma created a course for the rest of her life.

One fine day, in the year once-upon-a-time, Heinie Wayne and Junie Mae Hockeypoozle loaded a keg of beer on their Radio Flyer coaster wagon, threw in a couple of pounds of sausage, and headed for the Black Forest on a picnic. Unbeknownst to them, a family of bears was heading for their favorite picnic spot at the very same time. Upon their simultaneous arrival, which was quite a surprise to both parties, Heinie Wayne and Junie Mae were terrified. The bears, on the other hand, having failed to pack a picnic lunch, lifted a prayer of thanks to Yogi Goosesnotanda, the great god of bears, for sending this fast-food lunch their way. It was not a pretty scene. While feasting on the Hockeypoozles, Lance, the eldest Bear son, got Heinie Wayne’s foot caught in his throat. Papa Bear rushed to give him the Heimlich Maneuver, and, unfortunately, his ensuing bear hug crushed Lance to death. Thus did Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear return to their home with heavy hearts in a sad procession with the remains of Lance and some leftover Hockeypoozles in a large to-go box.

As the Bear family approached their cottage, they immediately noticed that something wasn’t right. The front door had been kicked open, and they saw fast-food wrappers and numerous empty beer cans strewn all around their manicured lawn. As the family very cautiously entered their home, they realized that not only had some person with very muddy feet been napping in all their beds, but the liquor cabinet had been smashed, and their silverware, credit cards, electronics, cash, and their collections of bear spray, picnic baskets, and Ranger hats were all missing. “I bet you it’s that damn blonde kid again,” roared Papa Bear. “It must be that damn blonde kid again,” roared Mama Bear. “That damn blonde bitch needs to have her ass kicked,” squeaked little Baby Bear. “She even took our Bing Crosby record of ‘The Teddy Bears’ Picnic’!”

Well, there you have it. Goldilocks was a juvenile delinquent. The version of Goldilocks that we have come to know was later sanitized by the opportunistic Brothers Grimm and turned into a cute little kiddie tale. The truth was not quite so pretty. Goldilocks, so named by the media as The Goldilocks Burglar, terrorized the residents of South Bavaria for years until she was finally apprehended while pulling an armed robbery on two nuns who were drug mules for the Prince of lower Bratislavia. The Prince didn’t care much for the fact that some kid made off with his product and a shitload of his cash, so he put his thumb on the scales of justice and told the local gendarmes that there would be no more free weed until they caught the perp. They took her into custody the next day, and the Prince made the same deal with the judge, no more free weed, and Goldilocks received the harshest punishment the judge had ever handed down. He banished Goldilocks to the city of Chicago, Illinois. He briefly considered life imprisonment, but he thought Chicago would be much worse.

In Chicago, Goldilocks quickly discovered that the easiest way to make money was to become an exotic dancer. All the criminal jobs in Chicago were already taken. With her flowing gold mane and her exotic burglar moves, she was a natural. She soon became the main attraction at the A-Men’s High Credit Score Club, and she quickly began to attract the attention of some of Chicago’s more prominent citizens. She was, for some twisted psychological reason, greatly attracted to the Bears. She first began an affair with Chicago Bears quarterback Dack Adiron. Dack’s dyslexic mother had named him after her favorite kind of lawn chair. Then she began another affair with Bears middle linebacker Hollerin’ Hank O’Hare, who was later diagnosed with Tourette’s Syndrome. Then she began a third affair with defensive tackle Mudslide Smiff. Mudslide was so nicknamed in high school because of his inability to control certain bodily functions during full contact scrimmages, which was duly noted by all those present.

It didn’t take very long for the three Bears to figure out what was going on. They met one afternoon at the Billy Goat Tavern to discuss the situation. Adiron said, “Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed!” Hollerin’ Hank yelled, Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed!” Then Mudslide said, “Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed, and I got so excited I soiled myself .. and her!” Then the three of them said, at the same time, “GOLDILOCKS!”

After Goldilocks was confronted by the Bears, she retreated into the desert around Joliet, Illinois, where, with the help of her secret meth stash, she fasted and prayed for forty days and forty nights. On the fortieth day, Goldilocks heard a voice that belonged to a shape-shifting chihuahua named Melvin telling her to look behind the park bench where she was sitting. That’s where she found the Sacred Golden Tablets upon which she founded the Goldilocks Midas Touch Church. All converts, in accordance with the Sacred Golden Tablets, had only to surrender all worldly possessions in order to achieve forgiveness and everlasting life.

Afterwards, due to the prosperity of the GMT Church, Goldilocks spent most of her days recording religious videos, which the FCC later branded as pornography aimed at senior citizens. The national publicity generated by the case led to Goldilocks being given her own reality TV show, which still airs on Tuesday nights. Consult your local listings. The Golden Tablets are purportedly housed in a bank vault somewhere in Skokie, Illinois. All witnesses to their existence, with the exception of Goldilocks, have met with untimely, yet completely coincidental, early ends to their earthly existence.
Also, after an unnamed tipster phoned the Authorities and informed them as to how the three Chicago Bears had been fixing games for certain members of the Chicago Mob for several years, Dack Adiron, Hollerin’ Hank O’Hare, and Mudslide Smiff went on a retreat to Red Deer, Alberta, Canada, to discuss their options. One day, while they were attempting to take a group selfie with a large moose, they were accidentally shot 47 times by a near-sighted hunter named Francisco “Frankie Four Eyes” Funicello from Chicago, Illinois.
See you in church.