Brain Wreck

This post is taken from an actual recording of my most recent experience with the cheap bastards who have unleashed these exasperating automated phone systems on the general public. I assure you that this is completely verbatim. You know by now that I would never lie to you.

Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring….ad infinitum.
Thank you for calling PissYouOff Industries. Please listen carefully to the following menu:

• If you are in need of a home remedy kit for scurvy, scoliosis, rickets, colorectal cancer, eczema, excessive B.O. or armpit rot, Graves’ disease, unmentionable STDs, Tourette’s syndrome, or a cure for being stupid enough to call an automated phone system, press 1.
• For pricing information and availability of Thompson submachine guns, flame throwers, grenade launchers, or surface-to-air missiles, all of which make dandy Christmas presents for the kids or Grandma, press 2.
• If you are in need of the services of PissYouOff Industries Goon Squad, press 3 for information and pricing. Our world-famous Goon Squad, or the PIGS as they are affectionately known, specializes in debt collection, intimidation and/or beatings of noisy neighbors, general vandalism, and other assorted services that cannot be listed here due to a recent introduction of our recorded services in a court case involving things we are prohibited by court order from ever mentioning in public again.
• Press 4 to speak with Misty Sue or Tawny Tina. You must be 21 to press number 4. (Visa, MasterCard, Discover, and American Express.)
• If you are a terrible sinner in need of redemption for your addiction to phone sex, press 5 and be sure to include a generous offering. (Visa, MasterCard, Discover, and American Express.)
• For all gastrointestinal problems, please hang up immediately as your automated phone system does not wish to be grossed out today.
• If you wish to speak to a human being, you should have called about 20 years ago. Go ahead…press 7. We dare you. You know you want to do it.
• If you have been killed or wounded in a shootout at any of our facilities, you may qualify for a 5% discount on all merchandise. Press 8 for more information.
• If you wish to speak to an actual person with an accent so heavy that it is completely unintelligible to the human ear, press 9.
• If you wish to have the PIGS come and beat some sense into your children, press 10 for Child Services Department.
• If you are having suicidal thoughts after dealing with our automated phone services, please stay on the line for a personal greeting from Durwood Kirby, The Cisco Kid, Hannibal Lechter, Joe Stalin, Mr. Rogers, or Mr. Greenjeans. Your choice. Press 11.
• For all other inquiries, please stay on the line. Your wait time is however long it takes to get rid of you. Thank you for calling PissYouOff Industries.

This is where they cue the obnoxious music that has been proven to cause seizures in adults, children, house pets, and most wild creatures. Today’s selection was an endless tape loop of Richie Cunningham from the old Dick VanDyke show singing “The Little Drummer Boy.” It reminded me of Chinese water torture and the time I spent Christmas with my ex-wife and her husband, Tub Boy.
It is my belief that the inventors of these phone systems should be handcuffed to small school desks, have headphones placed over their ears, and then be forced to listen to their inventions until they are exasperated to death, because that is how I feel right now. Press 12 if you agree. Thanks for calling.

Technical help is available to assist you in finding numbers 10, 11, and 12 on your phone. To access technical support press number 13. (Visa, MasterCard, Discover, and American Express.)