Brain Wreck

On a recent tax-deductible trip through the Highlands of Scotland, I met with several representatives from the Association of Scottish Sheep Breeders (The ASSB). These very fine, upstanding, totally ethical, kilt bedecked folks offered a substantial contribution to my Presidential Campaign that amounted to $51.17. In exchange, which is definitely not tit-for-tat or pay-to-play or quid-pro-quo or any of those other illegal things that I would most definitely have nothing to do with, I promised them that I would no longer ridicule their sheep breeding methods or make tasteless jokes about such things. Under the terms of the agreement, I promised not to tell jokes like, “Q. Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? A. Because sheep can recognize the sound of a zipper at a hundred yards!” Yep, no more of that. Also, no more cracks about the extremely disgusting taste of haggis, or the god-forsaken wail of bagpipes that is largely responsible for both the falling birth rate and the rise of STDs , or the fact that most of the population, including women, small children, and the elderly, are so loaded on the Scotch that is served with every meal, that they think haggis is delicious and bagpipes do not raise the dead from their peaceful slumber.
In defense of the Scottish people, they seem to be a very nice and generous bunch of folks, as witnessed by their extravagant campaign contribution. Also, the Highlands of Scotland are as beautiful as any place on Earth. How can you not love a country that has 5 million happy, drunken, satisfied people and 7 million nervous sheep?
Thanks for the money, Scotland. Your generosity is almost beyond belief. If you are ever invaded by Russia, I promise, as President of the U.S., that I will send at least $51.17 worth of aid, and some low-ranking member of my diplomatic corps will give the Russians a severe on-line scolding.
p.s. I also think that the nation of Scotland should be recognized for bravely blazing a trail for cross-dressers around the world. On behalf of the citizens of the U.S.A., I salute you.