Brain Wreck

by Arnold Palmer Vivaldi

Good evening and welcome to this informal, yet scientifically sound, sexual survey upon which I spared no expense while making it up as I celebrated my third Happy Hour of the afternoon. Please answer all questions to the best of your reading and comprehension level, and feel free to comment at the end with praise, adulation, and wondrous awe at the momentous intellectual achievement and incredible humility of the creator of this document.
Also, while it is true that the author of this document spared no expense or hardship in gathering the data presented herein, the author, regrettably, cannot, will not, and shall not be held responsible for results, police incidents, and/or lawsuits stemming from presentation of said document.
Any person or persons who undertake to administer or respond to this informal, yet scientifically sound, survey do so at their own risk. No lifeguard is on duty. Pool closes at 10 p.m.
That should cover my ass. Good luck with your lawyer.

Informal Sexual Survey Number One
(Data collected solely for the perverse interests of the bearer of this document). (Please circle best answer or answers).

1. Caninus Fornicatus is:
a) Just another good reason to own a kennel.
b) Best when performed along an interstate highway.
c) An Italian porn star.

2. Coitus Interruptus should always be accompanied by:
a) A polite expulsion of unnatural gas.
b) An 8×10 glossy of your great uncle Norman.
c) Death.
d) A beverage of your choice.

3. Condoms are:
a) Essential to any meal.
b) Training hard in hopes of turning Pro.
c) Five bucks apiece at the Mustang Ranch.

4. Foreplay is best when:
a) Sandwiched between threeplay and fiveplay.
b) Followed by foreseriousness.
c) All parties are breathing.

5. All lewd and/or lascivious affairs should be accompanied by butter:
a) Yes.
b) Certainly.

6. Premature Ejaculation is:
a) The leading cause of space shuttle explosions.
b) The leading cause of short people.
c) Considered an act of rudeness in mixed company.

7. Oral Roberts is:
a) A reunion of the Perverted Bobs Society.
b) Julia’s secret of success.
c) A 90-foot-tall dildo that resembles a televangelist.

8. Spanking should be accompanied by:
a) The customary exchange of dirty underwear.
b) Tuba music.

9. One should never have sex with anything that doesn’t smell human:
a) Agree.
b) Disagree.
c) Unless you are of the same religious faith.

10. George Washington died of:
a) The exhaustion of fathering a whole country.
b) Syphilis, pneumonia, and a constant semi-erection that accompanied him
throughout his lifetime.

11. The Missionary Position is:
a) That there is only one true religion.
b) Sheep never tell.
c) Upside down in a confessional with two quarts of mayonnaise and
a three-foot salami sandwich.

12. Sex on a first date is:
a) Mandatory in most southern states.
b) At least twenty dollars—depending upon requests.
c) Okay–but only in the missionary position.

13. Group sex is:
a) The real reason for the extinction of dinosaurs.
b) Not advisable after a group high colonic.
c) The main reason for Ozark family reunions.

14. His and Hermaphrodites are usually bisexual:
a) yes/no.
b) yes/no.

15. “Old Bugger” is a distinctly British term that means:
a) Old Bugger.
b) None of the above.

16. Sodomy:
a) Sucks.
b) Is the former ruler of Iraq.
c) Comes before Sodom F except after C.

17. My ideal partner is:
a) A short, pudgy, near-sighted, informal, yet scientifically sound, surveyor.
b) None of the above.

Thank you for your participation in this survey. Please feel free to comment with additional praise for the author, proper documentation including bank account, credit card, and social security numbers, and your level of education and willingness to listen to reason.

Sincerely,
A. Palmer Vivaldi